I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
