I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
