census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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