i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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