We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize