I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
