i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
