i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
