Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
