I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize