I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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