Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
