there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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