8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
