Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
