It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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