I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
