i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize