i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
