Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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