I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
this will be a night to untag.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
do nipples grow back?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
