I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
