Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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