i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
