So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
