The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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