My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
