I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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