Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
