I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
