my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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