Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
