just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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