this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
