She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
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