I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
