WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
