Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
