the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
