does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
