Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
