apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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