I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
