My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
