we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
