why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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