I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think my moral compass just broke
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
