Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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