Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
