Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
