Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
whose parrot is this?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
