We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
