So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
