Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
