for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
