That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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