Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
two words...techno handjob
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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