oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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