worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
