I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
