Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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