Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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